When CIMC approached me to see if I would like to teach the Men’s retreat this September, I immediately said yes. Supporting spiritual and emotional growth and transformation in people who identify as male so that they can become a force for positive change in our world feels so obvious. Yet, when I was asked to write about why this is so important to me, things were not as clear. Why exactly, do men need extra support from each other to be able to reach their potential to be caring, full human beings?
The lack of clarity I was experiencing comes, in part, from a lack of clearly defined role models for what a mature masculine person is. We are aware of the myriad problems that stem from the prevalence of immature masculinity in our culture. What we are to move towards, however is unclear and undefined. If the goal isn’t clear, how does one know the path or the method for reaching that goal? Each person, regardless of gender identity, must find their own unique path to being able to reach their human potential and show up in this world in a way that is kind, compassionate, and supportive for the greater good. Cultivating the Noble Eightfold Path is an excellent support for realizing that potential.
Meditation practice and the increased self-awareness that can come along with its cultivation is one important method for mitigating immature masculine qualities such as self-centeredness, aggression, and the tendency to dominate. Yet, because these qualities are so endemic in our society, they are very hard to see and often meditation alone is not enough to bring them into focus. I have learned that spending time with other men who either already embody some mature masculine traits, or are consciously working towards them, is essential. Thus, CIMC’s upcoming men’s retreat on September 11th.
Because the path towards the mature masculine is often obscured by unwholesome cultural conditioning, doing the practice together, in silence and in sharing, can have a particularly powerful impact. The lack of mature masculine role models in our culture actually forces us to do the work of finding what that looks like collectively. By coming together and learning from one another, men may begin to experience a fullness of themselves that is beyond cultural conditioning. By listening to and sharing with each other from the depths cultivated by the silent practice, men can begin to knit together their own particular paths to becoming their own unique version of a whole, mature man.
The Buddha’s teachings of awareness, compassion, wise speech, and patience all play an important role in the journey towards wholeness and, for men, towards embodying a masculinity that is a force for good in this world. This includes having courage, empathy and perhaps a willingness to reach out to other men who have yet to begin the journey.
I clearly remember a time when an older man who was a friend and mentor showed me a picture of myself with an expression that embodied a part of me that was compassionate, clear, and selfless. Those qualities were not getting that much airtime at that point in my life and this person knew how important it was for me to recognize them. They knew how important it was for me to know that they saw these qualities in me. To this day, I am so grateful for that moment. This is how men lift one another up towards fullness, in direct contradiction to the cultural norms of dragging each other down with ridicule and misplaced competition.